About Me
Love it has no Boundaries & it doesn't discriminate
SPICY
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Never just black n white always gray areas
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Every day is a Struggle
So Im right back where I started not exactly but somewhere along those lines. When will I be out this grand vast ocean of distress, dismay, unorthodox ways of life, hope soon I'm getting tired of dog peddleling, I don't know how much I can hold on. But never the less I'm holding cuz I have so many holding on to me. Praying every night that I just be....somebody else anybody but me, but to the chagrin of my fairy tale life that hasn't been written yet, I wake up no different then I was the night b4 other than a lil bit more disgruntled then i was before *shrugs* oh well such is life right we must carry one
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Once Upon a Time
Once Upon a Time along time ago I was a straight women as straight as they came, yeah i wasn't one of 'those' who believe they was born gay .... or so I thought. Strictly dickly was my motto
Then once upon a time I was a Bi-Sexual Women, indulging in both men & women. One man in particular I even married. My ex husband is also the father of my Son. See I tried being "straight" off & on @ times. Always for others never for myself, for my mother, my family, HIM, Jehovah, Society. My very 1st sexual experience was when I was a child, merely 8 yrs old & I had a "friend" (a kissing cousin if u like) who was a "bad seed" (according to my mother & others) she just was wordly, fresh, to grown for her age, and I was (don't laugh) a "good girl". Soooo where was I?,...ok right 8, house, she asked me if i wanted to play house, me naive sure, wait, who knows if she had this thing planned all along, i don't & we never discussed it. I was a tomb boy but was still pretty n pink so she was the daddi & i was of course the mommy, (later on we took turns) cuz i wasn't happy with being the "mommy" all the time lol (just like now).. At first we would play while everybody was up you know how kids play. Then it came time for bed, hmmm. So once again me naive we 'gonna sleep', you know just in the same bed, but next thing I notice she's kissing on me. I started getting breast when I was 8 so i had sooome, she had alot more than me, just cuz she was bigger than I was all around, no big age difference maybe a few months. So we kissed @ first it didn't feel right but then the grinding started & the sucking, next thing hands were under my shirt & mine under hers kissing & sucking on our itty bitty titties. The next day I remember feeling horrible....guilty. Why? Well because I had been raised in a very strict Christian religion & this was considered "Taboo" Def a NONO.
The next time we saw each other it happened again & continued on that way for 4 yrs. I would get excited knowing she was spending the wknd, couldn't wait for bed time so we could play the 'Adult House' we know longer played 'reg house' during the day like normal kids. We would just try& get through the day as quick as possible as 'normal kids' so that we could do 'un-normal' thing. When I think about it now I remember my pussy getting or being wet, idk if I had orgasm or anything but i know it felt HELLA GOOD!! *shrugs* Me & she was doing the nasty till I met my 1st boyfriend & 1st love when I was 13 & once I was hooked on him I felt nasty doing the 'do' with her. I remember she & I was @ my grandmothers house & she reached to touch me & tried to kiss me & I told her I didn't do that stuff anymore & that was nasty & we shouldn't of been doing it anyway, we should've never did it in the 1st place,*sigh....Malicious & insensitive, I know right?... but i didn't know.... @ the time I didn't. I was absolutely clueless.
Last I heard of her she has 8 kids & is doing time in prison. I was with my 1st love for 7yrs, a dude. After him or during did I go back to women??..nope, i didn't, I dated & explored & traveled. Finding me along the way....well some or part of me :-). Using men along the way, see I learned very quickly I may add. Men were mere toys to be played with. ( I was a psyche major, what can i say) Especially seeing how easy they made it for me, lol *smh*. So it was my ex husband, who while we was dating he had proposed an open relationship, ok cool never tried that before #letsdoit. I mean I just came out of a 7yr relationship what did i wanna hop back into another so soon for? I'm a sagittarius by the way we are suppose to the be the 'bachelors' or 'bachelorette's' of the zodiac. WHAAAT EVER!! Ok so open relationship. He told me he seen gay tendencies....WHAT?! ok whatever & that he knew i wanted to explore & experiment, which idk if i did or didn't but he sure did put the idea in my head. Well I did just want he asked of me ...explored & once I did that ALL over again I was hooked I had no use for him anymore, he wasn't much of a lover anyway. Yeah i taught him everything he know's lol.
So I 1st adult sexual experience with a women I will never forget, it was the 1st time I had had an ORGASM, it was if my eyes were open BY EUREKA I COULD SEE, MY EYES WERE WIDE OPEN NOW, I HAD SEEN THE LIGHT!. Why had it taken me soo long to see, feel, my 'GAYNESS'. idk I think i felt it when I was young but I wasn't yet strong enough to stand up for or even sure of what i was feeling, of course I never expressed it & if i did it would of just been stifled.
My mother told me when I was 2 yrs old I had asked her if I could have bby's without the daddy?, told her I just wanted children. hmmm, my mom said that you needed a man to have bby's grow inside of you but there are other ways, adoption, etc so on & so forth. She never seen or took this as a hint, but i did. I say all this to say you never know what twist & turns your life may take, you just never know what you may or may not do, STOP HATING ON OTHERS just because of there sexual orientation, race, religion, his tory/her story if you pass judgement pass it with reason & understanding (because lets be real everyone judges) NEVER SAY NEVER, because you will eat your words....believe me...I did.
Then once upon a time I was a Bi-Sexual Women, indulging in both men & women. One man in particular I even married. My ex husband is also the father of my Son. See I tried being "straight" off & on @ times. Always for others never for myself, for my mother, my family, HIM, Jehovah, Society. My very 1st sexual experience was when I was a child, merely 8 yrs old & I had a "friend" (a kissing cousin if u like) who was a "bad seed" (according to my mother & others) she just was wordly, fresh, to grown for her age, and I was (don't laugh) a "good girl". Soooo where was I?,...ok right 8, house, she asked me if i wanted to play house, me naive sure, wait, who knows if she had this thing planned all along, i don't & we never discussed it. I was a tomb boy but was still pretty n pink so she was the daddi & i was of course the mommy, (later on we took turns) cuz i wasn't happy with being the "mommy" all the time lol (just like now).. At first we would play while everybody was up you know how kids play. Then it came time for bed, hmmm. So once again me naive we 'gonna sleep', you know just in the same bed, but next thing I notice she's kissing on me. I started getting breast when I was 8 so i had sooome, she had alot more than me, just cuz she was bigger than I was all around, no big age difference maybe a few months. So we kissed @ first it didn't feel right but then the grinding started & the sucking, next thing hands were under my shirt & mine under hers kissing & sucking on our itty bitty titties. The next day I remember feeling horrible....guilty. Why? Well because I had been raised in a very strict Christian religion & this was considered "Taboo" Def a NONO.
The next time we saw each other it happened again & continued on that way for 4 yrs. I would get excited knowing she was spending the wknd, couldn't wait for bed time so we could play the 'Adult House' we know longer played 'reg house' during the day like normal kids. We would just try& get through the day as quick as possible as 'normal kids' so that we could do 'un-normal' thing. When I think about it now I remember my pussy getting or being wet, idk if I had orgasm or anything but i know it felt HELLA GOOD!! *shrugs* Me & she was doing the nasty till I met my 1st boyfriend & 1st love when I was 13 & once I was hooked on him I felt nasty doing the 'do' with her. I remember she & I was @ my grandmothers house & she reached to touch me & tried to kiss me & I told her I didn't do that stuff anymore & that was nasty & we shouldn't of been doing it anyway, we should've never did it in the 1st place,*sigh....Malicious & insensitive, I know right?... but i didn't know.... @ the time I didn't. I was absolutely clueless.
Last I heard of her she has 8 kids & is doing time in prison. I was with my 1st love for 7yrs, a dude. After him or during did I go back to women??..nope, i didn't, I dated & explored & traveled. Finding me along the way....well some or part of me :-). Using men along the way, see I learned very quickly I may add. Men were mere toys to be played with. ( I was a psyche major, what can i say) Especially seeing how easy they made it for me, lol *smh*. So it was my ex husband, who while we was dating he had proposed an open relationship, ok cool never tried that before #letsdoit. I mean I just came out of a 7yr relationship what did i wanna hop back into another so soon for? I'm a sagittarius by the way we are suppose to the be the 'bachelors' or 'bachelorette's' of the zodiac. WHAAAT EVER!! Ok so open relationship. He told me he seen gay tendencies....WHAT?! ok whatever & that he knew i wanted to explore & experiment, which idk if i did or didn't but he sure did put the idea in my head. Well I did just want he asked of me ...explored & once I did that ALL over again I was hooked I had no use for him anymore, he wasn't much of a lover anyway. Yeah i taught him everything he know's lol.
So I 1st adult sexual experience with a women I will never forget, it was the 1st time I had had an ORGASM, it was if my eyes were open BY EUREKA I COULD SEE, MY EYES WERE WIDE OPEN NOW, I HAD SEEN THE LIGHT!. Why had it taken me soo long to see, feel, my 'GAYNESS'. idk I think i felt it when I was young but I wasn't yet strong enough to stand up for or even sure of what i was feeling, of course I never expressed it & if i did it would of just been stifled.
My mother told me when I was 2 yrs old I had asked her if I could have bby's without the daddy?, told her I just wanted children. hmmm, my mom said that you needed a man to have bby's grow inside of you but there are other ways, adoption, etc so on & so forth. She never seen or took this as a hint, but i did. I say all this to say you never know what twist & turns your life may take, you just never know what you may or may not do, STOP HATING ON OTHERS just because of there sexual orientation, race, religion, his tory/her story if you pass judgement pass it with reason & understanding (because lets be real everyone judges) NEVER SAY NEVER, because you will eat your words....believe me...I did.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT THE ?? IS CAN U GIVE IT TO ME
Who doesn't know what they want? Many pple but sometimes I believe we just scared to ask for what we really want. Why? it is us ourselves we should be looking out for why should we settle for anything other than what we deserve, why do pple settle? Why do pple go for the lies the bullshit the jeolousy, overly controlling you, the hurt, unfairness, the selfishness, just childlike behavior. I know what i need I need someone who can be there for me in every possible way. I need someone who listens to me who lets me poor my heart to them without interruptions, without grown ass adults being rude & interrupting our conversations (children r ok). I need someone who wants the best for me whether there giving it to me or not. I don't need someone who makes excuses all the time who drinks & smokes all the time who doesn't seem to be doing anything with there life,BUT FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES who ain't doing anything & ain't trying to do anything with themselves. (sorry had to get ghetto lol) I DON'T NEED ANOTHER FUCKING HOMOSAPIEN SELLING ME ANOTHER FUCKING DREAM I HAVE MY OWN DAMN DREAMS. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TRYING TO HOLD ME BACK TELLING ME SHE DOWN BUT ALWAYS COMPLAINING WHEN I'M OUT THERE BUSTING MY ASS IN SCHOOL @ STUDY GROUPS TRYING TO GET MY STUDY ON SOOO I CAN GET THAT JOB, HAVE THAT CAREER WHERE I'M HAPPY & CAN PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY. I HAVE GOALS I HAVE DREAMS I STILL HAVE HOPES & AMBITIONS. YOU TRYING TO HOLD MY TRAIN BACK INSTEAD OF JUMPING ON. I DON'T WANT YOU IF ALL YOU DO IS BITCH & COMPLAIN BUT HAVE NOTHING TO BRING TO THE TABLE OTHER THAN UR LOVE I DON'T WANT YOU. IF I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU ME MY KIDS UR KIDS & EVERYBODY ELSE I DON'T WANT YOU. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER TYRONE EVER. CALL ME WHATEVER. Materialistic is what i'm not I just want to be complete, happy, not stressed,not stressed, not stressed. Not stressed about how i'm going to pay my light bill this month, or whether i'm going to have enough to go food shopping. None of it none of it. Is it sooo wrong that i want my DREAM MATE. I guess it's all a dream, but 'I WON'T EAT YO CAKE NO MO' you can't force feed me no more. I'm sorry but I deserve to be spoiled, pampered, treated with care. Iv'e had the love. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT LOVE IS THE ONLY THING LIKE IF WE LOVE EACH OTHER THATS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. LOVE DON'T MAKE YOU LISTEN TO ME WHEN UR ON UTHERVERSE. LOVE DON'T MAKE YOU WELL WHEN YOUR SICK, LOVE DON'T PAY NO BILLS, LOVE DON'T TAKE THE HURT THAT PPLE CONSTANTLY DISH OUT TO YOU, LOVE DON'T MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE A LIFE TO & JUST CUZ I GO OUT & HAVE A "GIRLS NIGHT OUT" DON'T MEAN I'M CHEATING. LOVE ISN'T SELFISH, LOVE ISN'T GREEDY, LOVE DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT ITSELF ALL THE DAMN TIME. LOVE DIDN'T MAKE YOU LIE TO ME DID IT. LOVE CANNOT FIX EVERYTHING JUST CUZ I LOVE YOU DOESN'T MAKE YOU RIGHT FOR ME & JUST CUZ YOU LOVE ME DOESN'T MAKE ME RIGHT FOR YOU. YOU SOOOO FULL OF YOURSELF GET OVA URSELF. LOVE AIN'T SHIT CUZ IT WAS BUILT ON LIES ALL LIES SMH (i'm so done)
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