Every day is a Struggle

So Im right back where I started not exactly but somewhere along those lines. When will I be out this grand vast ocean of distress, dismay, unorthodox ways of life, hope soon I'm getting tired of dog peddleling, I don't know how much I can hold on. But never the less I'm holding cuz I have so many holding on to me. Praying every night that I just be....somebody else anybody but me, but to the chagrin of my fairy tale life that hasn't been written yet, I wake up no different then I was the night b4 other than a lil bit more disgruntled then i was before *shrugs* oh well such is life right we must carry one

Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time along time ago I was a straight women as straight as they came, yeah i wasn't one of 'those' who believe they was born gay .... or so I thought.  Strictly dickly was my motto

Then once upon a time I was a Bi-Sexual Women, indulging in both men & women. One man in particular I even married. My ex husband is also the father of my Son.  See I tried being "straight" off & on @ times. Always for others never for myself, for my mother, my family, HIM, Jehovah, Society.  My very 1st sexual experience was when I was a child, merely 8 yrs old & I had a "friend" (a kissing cousin if u like) who was a "bad seed" (according to my mother & others) she just was wordly, fresh, to grown for her age, and I was (don't laugh) a "good girl". Soooo where was I?,...ok right 8, house, she asked me if i wanted to play house, me naive sure, wait, who knows if she had this thing planned all along, i don't & we never discussed it. I was a tomb boy but was still pretty n pink so she was the daddi & i was of course the mommy, (later on we took turns) cuz i wasn't happy with being the "mommy" all the time lol (just like now)..   At first we would play while everybody was up you know how kids play. Then it came time for bed, hmmm. So once again me naive we 'gonna sleep', you know just in the same bed, but next thing I notice she's kissing on me. I started getting breast when I was 8 so i had sooome, she had alot more than me, just cuz she was bigger than I was all around, no big age difference maybe a few months. So we kissed @ first it didn't feel right but then the grinding started & the sucking, next thing hands were under my shirt & mine under hers kissing & sucking on our itty bitty titties. The next day I remember feeling horrible....guilty. Why? Well because I had been raised in a very strict Christian religion & this was considered "Taboo" Def a NONO.
The next time we saw each other it happened again & continued on that way for 4 yrs. I would get excited knowing she was spending the wknd, couldn't wait for bed time so we could play the 'Adult House' we know longer played 'reg house' during the day like normal kids. We would just try& get through the day as quick as possible as 'normal kids' so that we could do 'un-normal' thing. When I think about it now I remember my pussy getting or being wet, idk if I had orgasm or anything but i know it felt HELLA GOOD!! *shrugs* Me & she was doing the nasty till I met my 1st boyfriend & 1st love when I was 13 & once I was hooked on him I felt nasty doing the 'do' with her. I remember she & I was @ my grandmothers house & she reached to touch me & tried to kiss me & I told her I didn't do that stuff anymore & that was nasty &  we shouldn't of been doing it anyway, we should've never did  it in the 1st place,*sigh....Malicious & insensitive, I know right?...  but i didn't know.... @ the time I didn't. I was absolutely clueless.
 Last I heard of her she has 8 kids & is doing time in prison.  I was with my 1st love for 7yrs, a dude. After him or during did I go back to women??..nope, i didn't, I dated & explored & traveled. Finding me along the way....well some or part of me :-). Using men along the way, see I learned very quickly I may add. Men were mere toys to be played with. ( I was a psyche major, what can i say) Especially seeing how easy they made it for me, lol *smh*. So it was my ex husband, who while we was dating he had proposed an open relationship, ok cool never tried that before #letsdoit.  I mean I just came out of a 7yr relationship what did i wanna hop back into another so soon for? I'm a sagittarius by the way we are suppose to the be the 'bachelors' or 'bachelorette's' of the zodiac. WHAAAT EVER!! Ok so open relationship. He told me he seen gay tendencies....WHAT?! ok whatever & that he knew i wanted to explore & experiment, which idk if i did or didn't but he sure did put the idea in my head. Well I did just want he asked of me ...explored & once I did that ALL over again I was hooked I had no use for him anymore, he wasn't much of a lover anyway. Yeah i taught him everything he know's lol.
 So I 1st adult sexual experience with a women I will never forget, it was the 1st time I had had an ORGASM, it was if my eyes were open BY EUREKA I COULD SEE, MY EYES WERE WIDE OPEN NOW, I HAD SEEN THE LIGHT!. Why had it taken me soo long to see, feel, my 'GAYNESS'. idk I think i felt it when I was young but I wasn't yet strong enough to stand up for or even sure of what i was feeling, of course I never expressed it & if i did it would of just been stifled.
 My mother told me when I was 2 yrs old I had asked her if I could have bby's without the daddy?, told her I just wanted children. hmmm, my mom said that you needed a man to have bby's grow inside of you but there are other ways, adoption, etc so on & so forth.  She never seen or took this as a hint, but i did. I say all this to say you never know what twist & turns your life may take, you just never know what you may or may not do, STOP HATING ON OTHERS just because of there sexual orientation, race, religion, his tory/her story if you pass judgement pass it with reason & understanding (because lets be real everyone judges) NEVER SAY NEVER,  because you will eat your words....believe me...I did.

GIRL CRUSH!!

http://twitter.com/spicieladySo I know I haven't written in a while but today is a new day. So where do I start I have this problem this ..yeah it's a problem well now I got it under control..... kinda sorta. Ok well I'll just spit it out, I have very short lived crushes, wait I just defined & used  the word in the same sentence...did you understand that, cuz a crush is basically defined as a short lived infatuation. Ok so im mildly infatuated with these....most likely I haven't met you yet individuals. Yes i only have crushes on those who are currently unavailable & probably if they were available I wouldn't even be interested,,,for what I could have em if i wanted em....COCKY...NO!! CONFIDANT....YES....LOW SELF ESTEEM....NEGATIVE....HIGH SELF ESTEEM .....MOS DEF WITHOUT A DOUBT.  It is usually never a sexual thing ....or so I tell myself this, but It's always mentally.. it usually is for women right?. So I don't go overboard with it but in my head im constantly daydreaming about this person, wondering what they're like, where the live, how they sound (yeah sometimes I haven't even spoken to them) I know I know it's crazy, but @ least I don't carry through with these thoughts,.....I know they are only thoughts fantasies, NOT REALITY, NOW THAT WOULD BE CAZY!!. So I send these people messages, flirt a lil I'm still learning how to do that. I believe that I have these crushes because well  I'm shy, (shut-up people who know me) I am shy, I'm nervous, I'm a clutz, a nerd 

I don't take rejection kindly....(who does?) & I firmly believe it's healthy, if I am in a relationship, I'm very much faithful & do not follow through with any of my mind teasers. So who know's who'll be my girl crush this week or next It could be you ....but i'd never tell :-O*

I'm trying

YOU!!!

make me erotic, neurotic, psychotic

What!!

platonic?!

you reprieved, beseiged & intrigued me

YOU GOT ME!!

pursuing, undoing, reviewing, removing

MYSELF!

from you

dominate, relocate,...don't reciprocate

the love

betrayed, please stay,

HEEEY!!

I LOVE YOU

ATTENTION!!!

this is YOUR decision

permission

to try

to stay

to make

to build

YIELD!!

yellow light

red light

Why do you keep up the fight

Out of focus, Hocus Pocus

Abra Ca da Brah Magic? voodoo?

Nahh

I'm just trying to love you

relate, debate, restraints

are on.

you say

play, portrayed

delayed..

your answer....

I'm Waiting.

Second skin

What have you done to me?

just the sound

of your voice

makes me quiver,

weak

in the

knees

Just to think

we haven't even

met

each

other

face

to

face

but

somehow

someway

you crept

inside

that place

in my chest

my mind

my soul

you snuck into my cypher

grabbed hold

& took

total

control

I'm much to old to be feeling this way

but,

I

would love for this to

feeling

to stay

just like

me

and

you the sun & the moon

I'll make you grow

and

heat you up

grab hold of my reigns

I'm about to take flight

come soar the heavens

with me overnight.

I want you to be

in me

like i'm in you

feel you pulsate

throb

its my heart

you've robbed

I'm in you

I'm in your

breath

when you open your

mouth

its me who

comes out

when I close

my eyes

it's you

I see

I want you

to be in me

feel your fingers

pushing

deeper

inside of me

pulsate, throb

you burglar

it's my love

you've robbed

I'm in you, your soul, your mind

your cypher

puff puff

inhale

now hold me in tighter

I'm in you like your in me

like my..

second skin

A new nother day

So I sit here in my local coffee shop wondering what today will behold for me. I'm reminded of my mistakes & misfortunes as I walk & drift in out of my daydreams. The re-gentrification that has & continues to go on in my neighborhood. I try to eat & swallow the pseudo GOOD MORNING'S!, & can i get you anything else's. Feeling the love of my "love" still nestled between my breast tasting her sweet welcome to it's a new nother day, that we get to spend together & peer into each other's oak, pine some kind of woodsy eyes, lol. I love today a new nother day, enjoying spending it with my me, myself, & I damn I love you myself :-)

ME!!!!!

As I rip & flow into you
can you feel me
anticipating your cyper into me
I can feel you
underneath me
wincing & whining me
beneath me, me, me
Can you hear me
calling, reaching, wanting, & needing
your every spoken word
into my ear, into my body, into me me
can you see me, me , me
underneath meee, meee
flowing so slowly & freely underneath me, ..... me
can you taste me, me
underneath me, underneath me, underneath me
drowning, gasping, for 1 last taste of ...... me, me
is it good?
Underneath me
flowing freely underneath
growing, needing, wanting, more
underneath me,
underneath me,
underneath
Me
Is it me is it you don't hate me
don't deny me
don't degrade me
I only found me .... me ....me
I was the 1 who nurtured me !
I was the 1 who soothed me!
Comforted Me?
Me!!
Hold Me!
Is that even possible
Are you truly seeing, hearing, tasting me?
Can you smell me, can you folow my scent
like a hound dog
Knowing how to but not setting it off
Me, Me,...Me
Do you feel me
sliding through your hands like warm liquid
Can you feel me, me???
It's just me
trying to let you inside
me
me
me

I'm A God Damn Lesbian

How long has it been since I did my spring cleaning,clearing,dusting,out the

cobwebs & skeletons in my closet.? Is what I am still considered in the closet? or

can I yet come out and play? Or is it too late, because nightfall has turned to day?

Will my sins be forgiven by the ALL OH MIGHTY OMEGA? Do you even consider

my sexual preference a sin ? as everyone else says it is.....family, friends,

media,.....MEN!!!! Or was you just trying to trick our souls When you put that in

Bible? or did you put that in the Bible,....the last time u rewrote it? Or maybe

theres just another god for my kind. Should I Kneel down now & begin to pray? Do

I need to be forgiven? Is it my fault that I prefer PUSSY over the spiteful perverted

dick that is steadily, constantly, regularly, being poked at me trying, wanting,

prying to get in.... Can't my tongue & my pussy have the religious experience. Who

is to blame for making more of our men & women bout-bout & out of it THE

CLOSET THAT IS Is this a conspiracy ? Is this a way to end our race ? To

procreate a new type, kind , breed of people. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Is

Sodom & Gomorah playing itself all over again? but this time will the gay & lesbian

community rise up & defend to win in what we feel & believe in? What is the

message that we are trying to send? Is it really a sin, to be in love with a beautiful

creature called a women?. Or are you once again trying to jerk my chain and trick

my mental? Did you really think it was going to be soo simple? Why do I have to go

your church? When my body is my temple

Copyright © 2000 Jazz'n--

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

You know I thought that I would never be the one to say this but I don't get females & I'm one. What the hell is up with them they say one thing then do another. � They are just as bad as men with all the head games, bullshit, lies, baggage, dishonesty, etc etc that they bring to the table. It just seems so strange to me cuz these be the same females who say they want a real relationship, there ready to settle down, they are tired of all the games, but they are the players of all players. My thing is let your yes mean yes & your no mean no what every happened to being a women (man) of your word. Why say shit you don't mean. Jazmin Sullivan said it in her song lions tigers & bears & bust your windows, yeah you know what lines I'm talking about y can pple just go on hurting pple & not owning up to there actions. Don't you know that even though you may not believe in KARMA it sure as hell believes in you & you will get yours.

I love Sex (pt2)

I Love Sex (pt2)

Did I happen to mention I like sex
Well, I do I like it alot
Can we have 24/7 type sex
lay in the bed all day sex
cuz its my b-day holiday sex
Damn babe, I'm famished type sex
but I still want you sex
bend me over in the shower sex
damn we look so good with the water
gliding over our bodys sex
Shit,lets order in sex
Who wants to go out in this weather sex

Ride you hard type sex
Ride you fast grind on you slow type sex
My name??? Damn I forgot my name type sex
OOOOO my pussy's raw but I still wanna fuck sex
Feel the burn feel the pain scream your name sex
Damn I fucked your back up type sex
MMMMMMMM you caught me playing with me myself & I sex
Phone sex, cyber sex cuz its long distance sex
Yes i am a member of the mile high club type sex
hell yeah on a bike, boat,

plain, train any type of automobile sex
3some sex
orgy sex
swinger sex
voyeuristic sex
exhibition sex
taboo sex
are you my fetish sex?
Talk nasty to me sex
tell me exactly what i need sex
Show me a new position, place or dimension sex
At work in a mini skirt sex
Red patent leather fuck me pumps sex
I got an hour come & devour me sex
my pussys so wet for you type sex
Don't talk, no time, close my door, close my blinds sex
mmmmmmmmmm I get to smell you on my

lips for the rest of the day sex
Meet you tomorrow same place same time sex
cuz your a secret jump-off of mine sex
Omg the it smells like sex in here sex
At a restaurant hands under the table
under my skirt fingering my pussy sex
fighting hard not to moan as the waiter

takes our order sex
No holes barred sex
I'm going to get it & give it eventually type sex
SSShhhh I left the back door open type sex
Ask me some questions sex
I'll answer them all yes sex
Don't speak about it be about it sex
Now I am going to stop writing about & go get some sex
That juicy, extremely wet & body fucking sounds sex
that just thinking about it makes u lick ur lips sex
I got lost... in my thoughts for a sec type sex
That ...Damn sex
am I still writing about sex?
Well what can I say?...

I Love Sex

I Love Sex (Dominate Perspective)

I LOVE ALL TYPES OF SEX (PART1)

I LOVE ALL TYPES SEX (PART1)

I WANT THAT 7 DAYS A WEEK TYPE SEX

A COUPLE TIMES A DAY TYPE SEX

PULL MY HAIR SMACK MY ASS CALL ME OUTTA MY NAME TYPE SEX

IN THE SNOW IN THE RAIN OR THE TRAIN TYPE SEX

FUCK ME HARD FUCK ME FAST SCREAM MY NAME TYPE SEX

FUCK ME SLOW FEEL THE PAIN TYPE SEX

HIT THE CLUB HAVE SOME DRINKS MEET A DATE TYPE SEX

A TRAIL OF CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR UP YOUR STEPS CAN'T WAIT TYPE SEX:
RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF YOUR BODY LIKE A RAPE TYPE SEX

PUSSY DRIPPING FROM THIS WHIPPING GRIP THE SHEETS TYPE SEX

PHONE SEX CYBER SEX BEAT YOUR MEAT TYPE SEX IN THE

CLUB IN THE TELLY IN MY JEEP TYPE SEX

"LET ME RIDE YOU I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BELLY TYPE SEX

OH SHIT MY TRACKS SLIPPING WHERES THE GLUE" TYPE SEX

SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS EAT UR ASS AND YOUR PUSSY FROM THE BACK TYPE SEX‚ FUCK ME HARD FUCK ME ROUGH SCRATCH MY BACK TYPE SEX‚
BEND YOU OVER IN THE LACK FROM THE BACK TYPE SEX

BUST A NUT SMOKE A DUTCH AND RUN IT BACK TYPE SEX

I LIKE THAT FREAKY TYPE SEX TIE ME UP AND DRIP THE CANDLE

WAX ALL OVER MY BODY YES AND KINKY TYPE SEX

SEE HOW MUCH I MAKE YOU CUMM TYPE SEX � FEELING SO GOOD MAKE HER RUN TYPE SEX

SWEATY BODY PRINTS LEFT IN MY BED TYPE SEX

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME BABY TYPE SEX

I NEVER CAME LIKE THIS B4 OMG TYPE SEX

MAKE ME MOAN TYPE SEX IN MY PUSSY NEVER FORGETS THE THINGS
YOU DID TO ME IN THE PUBLIC TYPE SEX

HAVE MY BABY TYPE SEX OMG I FUCKING LOVE YOU MAKE YOU SCREAM IT TYPE SEX

YES I LOVE EM ALL ALL KIND ALL TYPES OF SEX BUT IT DONT MEAN A THING

IF MY PUSSY ISNT WETT TYPE SEX GIVE IT TO ME TYPE SEX ‚ BABY SCREW ME TYPE SEX

JUST CAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TYPE SEX

HAVE IT MY WAY TYPE SEX: ANY TIME ANY PLACE ANY WHERE TYPE SEX HAVE A 3 SOME OR A ORGY LETS JUST FUCK TYPE SEX IN A PLANE OR A TRAIN JUST GET BUCK TYPE SEX

THESE ARE JUST A FEW TO NAME IN MY GAME CALLED SEX DID YOU READ ?
DID YOU PLAY DID YOU CUMM TYPE SEX?? MMMMMMMM I DID OVER AND OVER CAUSE

I LOVE ALL TYPES OF SEX

I KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT THE ?? IS CAN U GIVE IT TO ME

Who doesn't know what they want? Many pple but sometimes I believe we just scared to ask for what we really want. Why? it is us ourselves we should be looking out for why should we settle for anything other than what we deserve, why do pple settle? Why do pple go for the lies the bullshit the jeolousy, overly controlling you, the hurt, unfairness, the selfishness, just childlike behavior. I know what i need I need someone who can be there for me in every possible way. I need someone who listens to me who lets me poor my heart to them without interruptions, without grown ass adults being rude & interrupting our conversations (children r ok). I need someone who wants the best for me whether there giving it to me or not. I don't need someone who makes excuses all the time who drinks & smokes all the time who doesn't seem to be doing anything with there life,BUT FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES who ain't doing anything & ain't trying to do anything with themselves. (sorry had to get ghetto lol) I DON'T NEED ANOTHER FUCKING HOMOSAPIEN SELLING ME ANOTHER FUCKING DREAM I HAVE MY OWN DAMN DREAMS. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TRYING TO HOLD ME BACK TELLING ME SHE DOWN BUT ALWAYS COMPLAINING WHEN I'M OUT THERE BUSTING MY ASS IN SCHOOL @ STUDY GROUPS TRYING TO GET MY STUDY ON SOOO I CAN GET THAT JOB, HAVE THAT CAREER WHERE I'M HAPPY & CAN PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY. I HAVE GOALS I HAVE DREAMS I STILL HAVE HOPES & AMBITIONS. YOU TRYING TO HOLD MY TRAIN BACK INSTEAD OF JUMPING ON. I DON'T WANT YOU IF ALL YOU DO IS BITCH & COMPLAIN BUT HAVE NOTHING TO BRING TO THE TABLE OTHER THAN UR LOVE I DON'T WANT YOU. IF I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU ME MY KIDS UR KIDS & EVERYBODY ELSE I DON'T WANT YOU. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER TYRONE EVER. CALL ME WHATEVER. Materialistic is what i'm not I just want to be complete, happy, not stressed,not stressed, not stressed. Not stressed about how i'm going to pay my light bill this month, or whether i'm going to have enough to go food shopping. None of it none of it. Is it sooo wrong that i want my DREAM MATE. I guess it's all a dream, but 'I WON'T EAT YO CAKE NO MO' you can't force feed me no more. I'm sorry but I deserve to be spoiled, pampered, treated with care. Iv'e had the love. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT LOVE IS THE ONLY THING LIKE IF WE LOVE EACH OTHER THATS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. LOVE DON'T MAKE YOU LISTEN TO ME WHEN UR ON UTHERVERSE. LOVE DON'T MAKE YOU WELL WHEN YOUR SICK, LOVE DON'T PAY NO BILLS, LOVE DON'T TAKE THE HURT THAT PPLE CONSTANTLY DISH OUT TO YOU, LOVE DON'T MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE A LIFE TO & JUST CUZ I GO OUT & HAVE A "GIRLS NIGHT OUT" DON'T MEAN I'M CHEATING. LOVE ISN'T SELFISH, LOVE ISN'T GREEDY, LOVE DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT ITSELF ALL THE DAMN TIME. LOVE DIDN'T MAKE YOU LIE TO ME DID IT. LOVE CANNOT FIX EVERYTHING JUST CUZ I LOVE YOU DOESN'T MAKE YOU RIGHT FOR ME & JUST CUZ YOU LOVE ME DOESN'T MAKE ME RIGHT FOR YOU. YOU SOOOO FULL OF YOURSELF GET OVA URSELF. LOVE AIN'T SHIT CUZ IT WAS BUILT ON LIES ALL LIES SMH (i'm so done)

TRANSCENDING

I whispered in her ear I LOVE YOU is what I said
I thought she didn't here me, but then she turned her head
She looked deep into my almond shaped eyes
Her hand reached up & touched my face
My heart was afraid but secured by her embrace
How do you know? Is what she said

I didn't comment at first, I had so many answers in my head.
So I let my lips answer for me, I pressed them to hers so soft & gently, needing & wanting, so full & soft
& before I knew our clothes were off
Our hearts racing the only sound, us panting & moaning
as our kisses got deeper & harder, our embraces stronger.
I hadn't realized how much I had longed for her
her hands slid down my shoulders....stopped
palmed & squeezed my left breast
Standing at attention, nipples erect
She thumbed & played with my hardness, bent her head down so she could taste the flavor of my milk chocolate areola
Licking, Sucking, Biting & Grabbing.... mmmmm TASTE
Senses have come alive from love & truth not in haste,
Their being awakened by that heavenly scent between our thighs.
I can see the changed look of desire in her eyes.
She wants me she tells me, Can you here me calling you
ooohhh you taste soo good, she tells me, I want to eat no... devour all of you.

A one shot deal forget about Big Mac your my Happy Meal & my toy's straight down the middle
OOOO Baby I love it when you make me squeel & giggle
SPREAD EM MAÂ
You demanded, looking deep into my eyes, let me have my way,Open up bby & let me inÂ
let my tongue reach your walls deep within
that temple between your legs

That is now my home

Well hold up bby cause you are not alone,Â
I'm indeed no pillow princess
Let me please you too daddy, lets take turns tonight,
Go ahead & try, I like it when my women puts up a fight
It only turns me on more, talk dirty to me & call me your slut, bitch, ooo your lil whore
tonight i turn my attention to you as my only scoreÂ
Yup I fantasized about this all day
Why do you think i called you earlier today & told you to.. be

prepared to... stay
Youv'e been denying my my honey, & it's not fair
I promise I'll do all the things you like, kiss, bite, whisper fuck me daddy in your ear.
Tell me what you want come on daddy don't be shy
let me be your spliff tonight hold me in I'll make you high

Peanut butter silky skin complexion, hot cocoa mixed with a dallop of whip cream deep within.

She asked how I wanted it I told her from the back
She chuckled a little & said she already knew that
She slid her strap in slowly at first, then deep AAHHH thrust, she fucked me hard, ooh harder, yeah harder from behind, her hands on my waist feeling my hips wind & grind,

thrusting & throwing my ass back into her sexation
OMFG I feel elation rising with anticipation, of our transcendental orgasm coming , yeah it's coming, I'm cumming, we're cumming.... we've arrived