Haze

In A haze, faces look out of focus sleep walking, more like walking dead, unaware but conscious of the pain, continuous never letting up... Even after the prescription bottle is empty...the hot water is cold,.. dense but steady making sure

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FINALLY

So I've done it ....ok wait let's try that again IIIIII DID IT! yaaaay! I've finally felt it, felt yeah u know love. yeah yeah yeah i know i don't wanna hear bout it either, but wait this wasn't suppose to be my life. My love is like a onion ....it has many layers,..yeah & sometimes it makes you cry.....It makes me cry. *sigh*  yes it hurts not to feel, what?! u don't believe me? ok well this is my blog so i can say whatever I wanna, & unfortunately this blog is about my life & the TRUTH. I was use to just looking over when my lover was sleeping & saying to myself ....sometimes outloud WHY!! why are you here? Why do u stay? Why am I fucking with you?,Why do I continue on settling. Why Why Why?  So I took time for myself....celibacy is a BITCH!! but it worked, well not right away it took a few relationships after that & then ....MAGIC?! NO reality I got hurt & hurt & yeah hurt sooo I once again had to regain, recap, regroup just reeeee reeeee. That's what I felt like a damn re-re a retard. Why couldn't get it right??? Well it's finally my turn & & finally found something worth fighting for me. Because yeah I'm worth it DAMNIT!!

Proof Kim Kardashian's Body Is FAKE + She Gets Naked For W Magazine

Proof Kim Kardashian's Body Is FAKE + She Gets Naked For W Magazine

pushing forward

New endeavors New work, but not getting paid, new friends but never sociable. My life is being drained from me like a vampire is sucking ones blood out. Im at a stand still...well not really never just standing still, even if I'm just going around in circles like a merry go round. ohh well time to go pick up the chiln as the world turns & life must go on so I will I always pushing forward

Every day is a Struggle

So Im right back where I started not exactly but somewhere along those lines. When will I be out this grand vast ocean of distress, dismay, unorthodox ways of life, hope soon I'm getting tired of dog peddleling, I don't know how much I can hold on. But never the less I'm holding cuz I have so many holding on to me. Praying every night that I just be....somebody else anybody but me, but to the chagrin of my fairy tale life that hasn't been written yet, I wake up no different then I was the night b4 other than a lil bit more disgruntled then i was before *shrugs* oh well such is life right we must carry one

Once Upon a Time

Once Upon a Time along time ago I was a straight women as straight as they came, yeah i wasn't one of 'those' who believe they was born gay .... or so I thought.  Strictly dickly was my motto

Then once upon a time I was a Bi-Sexual Women, indulging in both men & women. One man in particular I even married. My ex husband is also the father of my Son.  See I tried being "straight" off & on @ times. Always for others never for myself, for my mother, my family, HIM, Jehovah, Society.  My very 1st sexual experience was when I was a child, merely 8 yrs old & I had a "friend" (a kissing cousin if u like) who was a "bad seed" (according to my mother & others) she just was wordly, fresh, to grown for her age, and I was (don't laugh) a "good girl". Soooo where was I?,...ok right 8, house, she asked me if i wanted to play house, me naive sure, wait, who knows if she had this thing planned all along, i don't & we never discussed it. I was a tomb boy but was still pretty n pink so she was the daddi & i was of course the mommy, (later on we took turns) cuz i wasn't happy with being the "mommy" all the time lol (just like now)..   At first we would play while everybody was up you know how kids play. Then it came time for bed, hmmm. So once again me naive we 'gonna sleep', you know just in the same bed, but next thing I notice she's kissing on me. I started getting breast when I was 8 so i had sooome, she had alot more than me, just cuz she was bigger than I was all around, no big age difference maybe a few months. So we kissed @ first it didn't feel right but then the grinding started & the sucking, next thing hands were under my shirt & mine under hers kissing & sucking on our itty bitty titties. The next day I remember feeling horrible....guilty. Why? Well because I had been raised in a very strict Christian religion & this was considered "Taboo" Def a NONO.
The next time we saw each other it happened again & continued on that way for 4 yrs. I would get excited knowing she was spending the wknd, couldn't wait for bed time so we could play the 'Adult House' we know longer played 'reg house' during the day like normal kids. We would just try& get through the day as quick as possible as 'normal kids' so that we could do 'un-normal' thing. When I think about it now I remember my pussy getting or being wet, idk if I had orgasm or anything but i know it felt HELLA GOOD!! *shrugs* Me & she was doing the nasty till I met my 1st boyfriend & 1st love when I was 13 & once I was hooked on him I felt nasty doing the 'do' with her. I remember she & I was @ my grandmothers house & she reached to touch me & tried to kiss me & I told her I didn't do that stuff anymore & that was nasty &  we shouldn't of been doing it anyway, we should've never did  it in the 1st place,*sigh....Malicious & insensitive, I know right?...  but i didn't know.... @ the time I didn't. I was absolutely clueless.
 Last I heard of her she has 8 kids & is doing time in prison.  I was with my 1st love for 7yrs, a dude. After him or during did I go back to women??..nope, i didn't, I dated & explored & traveled. Finding me along the way....well some or part of me :-). Using men along the way, see I learned very quickly I may add. Men were mere toys to be played with. ( I was a psyche major, what can i say) Especially seeing how easy they made it for me, lol *smh*. So it was my ex husband, who while we was dating he had proposed an open relationship, ok cool never tried that before #letsdoit.  I mean I just came out of a 7yr relationship what did i wanna hop back into another so soon for? I'm a sagittarius by the way we are suppose to the be the 'bachelors' or 'bachelorette's' of the zodiac. WHAAAT EVER!! Ok so open relationship. He told me he seen gay tendencies....WHAT?! ok whatever & that he knew i wanted to explore & experiment, which idk if i did or didn't but he sure did put the idea in my head. Well I did just want he asked of me ...explored & once I did that ALL over again I was hooked I had no use for him anymore, he wasn't much of a lover anyway. Yeah i taught him everything he know's lol.
 So I 1st adult sexual experience with a women I will never forget, it was the 1st time I had had an ORGASM, it was if my eyes were open BY EUREKA I COULD SEE, MY EYES WERE WIDE OPEN NOW, I HAD SEEN THE LIGHT!. Why had it taken me soo long to see, feel, my 'GAYNESS'. idk I think i felt it when I was young but I wasn't yet strong enough to stand up for or even sure of what i was feeling, of course I never expressed it & if i did it would of just been stifled.
 My mother told me when I was 2 yrs old I had asked her if I could have bby's without the daddy?, told her I just wanted children. hmmm, my mom said that you needed a man to have bby's grow inside of you but there are other ways, adoption, etc so on & so forth.  She never seen or took this as a hint, but i did. I say all this to say you never know what twist & turns your life may take, you just never know what you may or may not do, STOP HATING ON OTHERS just because of there sexual orientation, race, religion, his tory/her story if you pass judgement pass it with reason & understanding (because lets be real everyone judges) NEVER SAY NEVER,  because you will eat your words....believe me...I did.

GIRL CRUSH!!

http://twitter.com/spicieladySo I know I haven't written in a while but today is a new day. So where do I start I have this problem this ..yeah it's a problem well now I got it under control..... kinda sorta. Ok well I'll just spit it out, I have very short lived crushes, wait I just defined & used  the word in the same sentence...did you understand that, cuz a crush is basically defined as a short lived infatuation. Ok so im mildly infatuated with these....most likely I haven't met you yet individuals. Yes i only have crushes on those who are currently unavailable & probably if they were available I wouldn't even be interested,,,for what I could have em if i wanted em....COCKY...NO!! CONFIDANT....YES....LOW SELF ESTEEM....NEGATIVE....HIGH SELF ESTEEM .....MOS DEF WITHOUT A DOUBT.  It is usually never a sexual thing ....or so I tell myself this, but It's always mentally.. it usually is for women right?. So I don't go overboard with it but in my head im constantly daydreaming about this person, wondering what they're like, where the live, how they sound (yeah sometimes I haven't even spoken to them) I know I know it's crazy, but @ least I don't carry through with these thoughts,.....I know they are only thoughts fantasies, NOT REALITY, NOW THAT WOULD BE CAZY!!. So I send these people messages, flirt a lil I'm still learning how to do that. I believe that I have these crushes because well  I'm shy, (shut-up people who know me) I am shy, I'm nervous, I'm a clutz, a nerd 

I don't take rejection kindly....(who does?) & I firmly believe it's healthy, if I am in a relationship, I'm very much faithful & do not follow through with any of my mind teasers. So who know's who'll be my girl crush this week or next It could be you ....but i'd never tell :-O*

I'm trying

YOU!!!

make me erotic, neurotic, psychotic

What!!

platonic?!

you reprieved, beseiged & intrigued me

YOU GOT ME!!

pursuing, undoing, reviewing, removing

MYSELF!

from you

dominate, relocate,...don't reciprocate

the love

betrayed, please stay,

HEEEY!!

I LOVE YOU

ATTENTION!!!

this is YOUR decision

permission

to try

to stay

to make

to build

YIELD!!

yellow light

red light

Why do you keep up the fight

Out of focus, Hocus Pocus

Abra Ca da Brah Magic? voodoo?

Nahh

I'm just trying to love you

relate, debate, restraints

are on.

you say

play, portrayed

delayed..

your answer....

I'm Waiting.

Second skin

What have you done to me?

just the sound

of your voice

makes me quiver,

weak

in the

knees

Just to think

we haven't even

met

each

other

face

to

face

but

somehow

someway

you crept

inside

that place

in my chest

my mind

my soul

you snuck into my cypher

grabbed hold

& took

total

control

I'm much to old to be feeling this way

but,

I

would love for this to

feeling

to stay

just like

me

and

you the sun & the moon

I'll make you grow

and

heat you up

grab hold of my reigns

I'm about to take flight

come soar the heavens

with me overnight.

I want you to be

in me

like i'm in you

feel you pulsate

throb

its my heart

you've robbed

I'm in you

I'm in your

breath

when you open your

mouth

its me who

comes out

when I close

my eyes

it's you

I see

I want you

to be in me

feel your fingers

pushing

deeper

inside of me

pulsate, throb

you burglar

it's my love

you've robbed

I'm in you, your soul, your mind

your cypher

puff puff

inhale

now hold me in tighter

I'm in you like your in me

like my..

second skin